I Know This Feeling
by circlesquare
Summary: In the on-call room the night of episode 9X23. Working out Arizona's control issues. Arizona/Lauren, Laurzona, femslash
1. I Know This Feeling

Oh shit. Oh shit. I know this feeling. What am I supposed to do?

"I'm Lauren," she said. Then she touched my arm, and then I laughed like a schoolgirl, like the way I do when I'm...

Oh shit!

Why does she have to be smart and self-assured? Why does she have to be really good at what she does? Why does she have to be unapologetic and straightforward?

Why does she have to look at me like that? Here? In front of everyone?

Oh god, I like it.

And when I saw her in the elevator, she leaned so good. Her arms were crossed and she looked so cocky, and she said I have really pretty eyes. She knew how to play me, like I'm that easy, but I tried to tell her that I'm not. I tried to tell her that I'm a mess. I'm already somebody's baby, and oh yeah, I'm missing limbs. She said she knew. She cyber-stalked me, and then walked away.

Oh god, I like it. Oh shit.

But I'm already somebody's baby. And I'm already somebody's mommy. Then she walked into my life and I'm already wrapped around somebody's finger.

She showed up early for the surgery. How just like me. I couldn't see much of her face, but her surgery cap and mask highlighted her eyes - and her neck. And her scrubs sat on her narrow shoulders. My hands were itching for reasons to touch her, even under those laytex gloves.

Oh shit.

"You can show me to an on-call room," she said. She said it just like that, all matter of fact.

"Why?" I said, as if I didn't already know. She's good, this one.

The on-call room looked really small when we got there. It looked even smaller with her suitcase parked in the middle of it. Her suitcase was that little reminder that she was unattached. She was a temporary guest within these walls and she was leaving soon. Her suitcase was a dare. It was daring me to...

"I'm sort of sorry..." she started to say.

"Yeah, I'm sorry it's over," I said, because that's what the suitcase was daring me to say.

She leaned on the handle and laughed. Her laugh said, _Come on, we're both adults here._

Oh shit. Oh shit.

But I was still trying to hold on to my professionalism, which was the last thing that was keeping me tied to myself. The rest of my identity had already faded away into the background of my mind. The only thing I could see was this woman and her luggage - not to be confused with baggage. Because this woman was baggage free. She was no strings attached.

She was a blank slate with no history of plane crashes or trauma. She knew nothing of my loss, but only knew of the final result. She knew I only had one leg, and she didn't care. What a relief! She didn't care!

Standing in the middle of the that small room, with one hand in her coat pocket and one hand on the handle of that suitcase - she also had her hand on something of mine. She had her hand on that old feeling, a piece of myself. Attraction.

She was trying to seduce me, and it had been a long time since I had been seduced.

I reached my hand forward. It was meant to be a shake, but even as I raised my hand, I saw her laugh again.

_Come on!_ she was saying.

_Come on!_ the suitcase was saying.

I allowed myself to be hugged. And then the lights went out and...

Oh god. I like it and I like it and I like it.

But I'm already somebody's baby, so I pulled away. I was so close to walking out. I was so close to grabbing the kite strings of my carefully constructed life, when she called me out.

"Arizona. You are allowed to lose a little bit of control..." she said. She almost sounded angry. The sexual frustration was caught up in her throat. I felt that same frustration all over my body like goosebumps.

I don't even remember locking the door, but I must have. Of course, I did. I mean it's me I'm talking about.

She didn't know what she was getting into. She gave me permission to lose control, but instead I took it. I ripped off her lab coat and pulled her into my arms.

I had obsessed over her for 48 hours but I had not expected this. The kiss was so different than what I was used to. I could feel her smile under my lips. She was happy! I was happy, too.

She was all compact muscles and shoulder blades. She was so tall! She was towering over me.

I pulled her scrubs up over her head. Scrubs are always good for easy access. I ran my hands up her stomach and her chest. I grabbed her breast in the palm of my hand. She felt so different from what I was used to. I put my hand on her face and pushed her away for a moment. She was breathing heavily.

"What?" she said. There was a flash of fear in her eyes. She thought I was leaving after all.

"I just want to look at you," I said. I leaned back to see her body.

Her neck was so long, and her shoulders were so small. And her breasts, too. But when I looked up, her eyes were so big and blue. She looked down at me without an ounce of self-consciousness.

Why does she have to be so self-assured?

Then she kissed me again, and I pushed my hands down the back of her pants. She responded by lifting her leg and wrapping it around my waist. And then, I surprised us both by picking her up. Who thought that little old me could pick her up?

I grabbed her by the ass and that's what I did. She let out a laugh. She was delighted, and I think I was, too. She held onto my shoulders tight as I carried her over to the bed.

"Watch out for the..." she said.

But it was too late. I had run into the suitcase and stumbled. We both fell into the bed. It wasn't a graceful way to get into bed, but it was better that way. All that mattered was that we were there and we were laughing and still trying to tear each other's clothes off.

I thought I was in control, because I got all of her clothes off before she got mine. But I was wrong. She rolled me onto my back and straddled me over my scrubs. I tried to sit up, to kiss her breasts. But she pushed me back down by my shoulders.

Somewhere the power generators failed, and all the lights went out. She was just a silhouette against the white panels in the ceiling. She sat up straight, and for a moment, I guess she was staring down at me, though I'm not sure what she could see. Then the lightning flashed.

She was lit up from head to toe. I saw her breasts and her abs and her thighs on either side of me. I saw her rustled ponytail and her dark eyes.

She grabbed one of my hands and put it on her breast. She grabbed my other hand and...

Well, she knew exactly what she wanted. She showed me exactly what she wanted.

She rocked against my hand in a steady rhythm. Watching her move above me was driving me crazy. I tried to sit up again, but she pushed me back down.

"You have control issues," she said.

She wouldn't let me sit up, but she didn't make an effort to stop my hips. Eventually, I was bouncing her up and down like a rag doll. With each flash of lightning, I thought I was reaching climax, but instead it never came. It just kept building and building.

"Do you want me to?" she said.

"Yes!" I said. "Yes!"

I couldn't take the endless escalation.

She reached down and moved my hand. She put it in a very exact location, and she guided it with her own. Then she started moving very fast - her hand over mine. She moaned and leaned over me. I caught a whiff of her shampoo. Her sounds grew louder, but all was muffled by the thunder. Then she buried her face in my shoulder.

"Arizona," she said into my ear. Then she shook. I pulled her close with my free hand.

"Arizona," she said again. She shook again for a long time. Then she was still. I ran my hand along her shoulder blade. I could feel her goosebumps. I could feel her sweat. I could feel her exhausted breath and the weight of her body on my chest.

Oh god! I like it. Oh shit.


	2. Relief

After she collapsed on me, I should have felt trapped. I should have felt like the whole world collapsed with her. But I didn't. Not yet.

I kept my hands on her back and felt her breathing. I felt calm for the first time in, what... Weeks? Months? I moved my fingertips up and down the length of her, from the top of her bottom to the base of her neck. She giggled and squirmed over me.

I turned my head to get a better look, but her face was pointed away from me. I reached up to try to untangle the elastic from her hair. It wasn't hard. All the bobby pins had fallen out already. I put three pins by my pillow, then I ran my hand through her hair. With that, a fresh wave of her smell came at me. Her head was damp with sweat and it smelled so good. How can a stranger smell so good?

"Mmm," she said as I brushed some hair behind her ear. "I love that."

"Yeah?" I said. She stayed on top of me for a few more minutes.

"The lights are still off," she said.

"Yeah," I said. I was distantly worried about it, but somehow it didn't seem that important. I would worry about it in a few minutes.

"Am I too heavy?" she asked.

"Not at all," I said.

"Don't lie," she said. She sat up real slow, like she was waking up from a night's sleep. Then she raised her hands over her head, and brushed her hair out of her face. She stretched. It was a beautiful stretch. She moved to get up.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"I just want to check my messages," she said. She tiptoed past the suitcase toward the lab coat that I had thrown on the floor.

She stood there, naked, in the middle of the on-call room, and the screen of her phone lit up her face. She was all concentration and furrowed brow. She was back to being Dr. Boswell already. I was not ready for it to be over already.

"You're beautiful, Dr. Boswell," I said.

She looked up and laughed. She dropped the phone on top of her coat and hurried back to the bed.

"You're beautiful," she said and she sat down next to me. "Arizona."

I remembered the last two times she said my name. I felt my insides stirring at the memory.

"We are not doctors again, yet," she said. She reached for my hand.

"No, we aren't," I said.

She leaned over to kiss me. Her kiss was softer this time. But I could still feel her smiling.

"What are you laughing at?" I said.

"Nothing," she said, still laughing.

"What?" I said. I couldn't help but laugh with her.

"I just can't believe that you picked me up," she said. "That's all."

"Oh, God!" I said. I hid my face in the pillow.

"No!" she said. She tugged on my shoulder. "No, no! I liked it!"

I looked up at her. "Really?"

"Oh, yeah," she said. Her voice got lower. "I thought it was sexy."

Even though she was still smiling, I knew she was telling the truth.

Oh god, I wanted her again!

"Bet you didn't think I had it in me," I said.

"Oh, no," she said. "I knew."

I raised my hand to her face. "How'd you know?"

"I just knew. I just know you," she said. Her eyes were shining. "Is that weird?"

"No," I said. "I know you, too."

She kissed me again, and I couldn't resist her naked body. I pulled her back onto the bed. I wanted to touch her one more time before I had to let her go.

This time it was slower. She laid on her back next to me, and we kissed and kissed. I wanted her tongue and her lips. She didn't push my hands anywhere. In fact, she only kept her hands on my face, and in my hair, and when I managed to push myself up over her, she squeezed at my shoulders. I kissed her in many places, but I kept coming back to her mouth.

It wasn't easy to move over her like that, but it wasn't impossible. She was patient.

I thought I just wanted to touch her one more time, but I was wrong. The more I kissed her body, the more I wanted to taste her. So that's what I did.

I stood up from the bed.

"What?" she started to say.

"Wait a minute," I said. As gracefully as I could, and I'm sure it wasn't, I knelt down onto my knees. She laid on the bed, with her knees up and watched me through her legs.

She laughed again, and that made me laugh. She knew what my intention was. Her eyes were shining again. Awkward movements or not, I could see the anticipation in her eyes. When I was finally situated next to the bed, her hands were waiting for me, to pull me toward her. I pulled her hips toward the edge of the bed with all my strength. I heard her moan.

And then...

I was surrounded. And I disappeared for a moment. Dr. Robbins was not present. I was not a body - perfect or maimed or otherwise. I was only sensory experience. I was only her hands in my hair. I was only the soft skin of her thighs. I was only the way she smelled, and the way she tasted. I was only the rhythm. I was only grunting and striving. But I'm not sure if it was hers or mine.

I was only these things for a moment, until she reached for my shoulders and my arms.

"Arizona, please!" she said.

I snapped back to myself. She needed another part of me. She needed a part of my body. I reached my hand up and touched her the way she had shown me before - or at least I did my best imitation.

I guess I got it right, or I guess it didn't really matter what I did at that point, because I felt her all over me suddenly. I was shocked. Callie had never done that. (But there was that one girl in college.)

I leaned back and took a deep breath. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.

"Oh my god!" she said. "I'm so sorry!"

"What?" I said. "No, please, don't be sorry! It's perfectly natural."

"That hasn't happened to me in a long time," she said.

She was sitting up now, and she didn't look so self-assured any more. She looked horrified. It wasn't an expression I was used to seeing on her face. I couldn't help but laugh at her. I burst out in deep laughter.

"I guess that's a good thing," I said.

"Yeah, I guess so," she said.

I leaned forward and hugged her, and we laughed. It was an ecstasy of giggles. I giggled at myself, and I giggled at her. And I giggled at how featherlight I felt. I was happy.

Then the real world came crashing back into the room. My phone rang. I heard Callie's ringtone from under the bed. I found the phone and answered. She was concerned. Where was I? What was I doing? Why don't I make myself useful?

Lauren must have seen it in my face, that my giggles, which had floated out so easily before, were coming down again. I was heavy again and unable to escape the gravity of my life.

I watched her crawl back into the bed. She got under the covers and looked at me while I was talking. I felt a sudden nausea at what I had done, at what I wanted to keep doing. I saw myself, stripped to the waist and covered in Lauren. I saw myself like that and I was guilty.

I said a lot of "Uh-huh" and "Yes" and "I'll be right there." But what I really wanted was to stay!

I rushed to put on some clothes. I would have to wash up in the bathroom before I met Callie, but I couldn't do it there, in that on-call room with Lauren watching me. I couldn't stay in that room a second longer, because if I did, maybe I would never leave.

All of our laughs from a few minutes before were gone. All of my laughs were gone as I unlocked the door. All of my laughs were gone and it scared me how much I wanted them back. I asked her to just stay away from me as I left. But somehow I knew she wouldn't.

Somehow, I know her.


End file.
